Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
You Might Also Like
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
good morning
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.