Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
listen closely
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.