You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
President The Rock Obama
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.