(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
#Caturday
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.