You Might Also Like
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
🙁
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I think I’m having a stroke
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.