kitchen magnet
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut