I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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Quadruple digit IQ
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I love you…
…r dog.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Snapes on a plane.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?