I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.