Quadruple digit IQ
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.