I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”