a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane