I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.