I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I’d hang this in my house.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*