I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Autocarrot sucks!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Siri, fight Alexa.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
doing your own taxes