I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
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Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.