Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!