Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
best first i’ve ever seen
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
i was baptized in a car wash
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.