Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
This is a true ally.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Ape together strong
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming