Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
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[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.