CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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need him
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Terribly Tuesday.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.