co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
You Might Also Like
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Don’t snitch tag.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.