Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
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I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I can also cook 😂
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM