Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
SPLOOT
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*