what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]