Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once