My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m giving up for Lent.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“Wait, let me explain..”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Harsh but fair
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.