[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“I’m helping” 😅
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?