Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me