Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.