Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
accurate
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes