*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
concern
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Yup
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.