I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*