I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
You Might Also Like
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Love this one 😂🧟
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened