The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The only equipped I am is ill.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.