Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Word.
~ Microsoft.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?