Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.