every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
.. do you even science?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Are you ok, human???
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Holy crap this is wonderful
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
oh my god
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.