John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.