“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.