People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
why no one uses midhusbands
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Thursday
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Matt Goss
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.