If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
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Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
How animals would run if they were human
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.