My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
You Might Also Like
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you