WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.