Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
#FunnyLife Insects
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.