[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.