If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Yup
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.