I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…