Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You Might Also Like
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
as is their right
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*