The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

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On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes


Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill


Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.


People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs


Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.


My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.


Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes


I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…


The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.


My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.