[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way