“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy